me: You know I went to bed at 8.30am last night?
I don't ever have such a bad insomnia problmen
11:39 AM panister: everything ok?
me: interesting word
11:40 AM something in particular keepin you up>
maybe the moon
I wrote an anxiety blog based on scrawlings I came out with when I couldnt sleep
11:41 AM was good, made sense. But didn't help me sleep
panister: yea i used to that
would fill pages and pages
with noncoherent babble
think it just made things worse
11:42 AM brought me even closer to the internal argument
now i just try and step away from thoughts altogether when i'm like that
why do you thyink you're feeling anxious?
11:43 AM I'm actually not feeling very anxious
11:44 AM But, a bit sad and feeling unable to express myself with worrying about financial survival and creative validation
panister: oh ok
me: yeah real things
panister: maybe you're being too hard on yourself
11:45 AM me: probably definitely
panister: sure the dole will always be there
along with other such social safety nets.....
me: OH GOD
11:46 AM panister: you're one of the most creative people i know
after jamming with you for a while or hanging or whatever, i go back to my friends and they seem so stationary
11:48 AM me: whhhaaaat
I've felt so fucking static
no drag monkey boy in me anymore
11:49 AM I want her back
panister: maybe the more you do, the higher your standards get
i get like that too
11:50 AM i watch videos of the old tranny chainsaw psycho me
i don't really do that anymore
but there was also loads of things that the then-me couldn't do, that i can do now
suppose it's moving on
11:52 AM me: yeah
I guess I miss being that wild
feeling like I wanted to be this tumbling child ya know
11:53 AM panister: ya i remember you writing about that in one of your things
me: oh yeah? oh yeah. I remember
panister: maybe the needs just not there to tumble
11:54 AM cos you have yer cabaret, photography, film making, writing and all the other stuff that maybe you weren't doing before
11:56 AM me: I'm actually beginning to work on an article looking at the fragmented nature of my creativity
I started it ... before I went to sleep. It's insane.
I have to revisit it
in a good way, but unpublishable.
panister: unpublishable unshmublishable
11:57 AM me: hah
11:58 AM panister: but yea sometimes id be at a party or whatever
nad everyone would be all over the place
and i just wanna go home and listen to slow music and lie on the floor hehehe
11:59 AM panister: and i also get nostalgic about when i was small
but then i forget that there was also so much sitting around doing fuck all when i was a kid
12:00 PM staring at my penis in the bath kinda thing
12:01 PM me: yeah totally
When I get all soppy about missing my childhood, I try and remember how I fucking hated it a lot of the time
12:02 PM me: It's so hard when you are wee
panister: horrible yellow lights and being coverd in piss all the time!
12:03 PM i think guilt is the price you pay for being attached to what you do
me: horrible yellow lights???
12:04 PM panister: i think i've become used to how most lights in houses have ayellow tinge to them
panister: like they turn white walls yellow at night
me: did it really freak you out when you were a child?
12:05 PM panister: em it's associated with a certain starkness
me: that's stangely disturbing me
me: I always had a grudge against energy saver lights
I like bright bright!
12:06 PM panister: fairy light is a lovely set of words
warm candle light is nice
suppose it's better than crawling around in the dark
looking for your baby-mash
12:07 PM i remember being around 5 0r 6 and finding bits of my umbilicle cord in my belly button
i can't imagine what else it was
12:11 PM Hey must be off!
Have a lovely day!!!!!
A short film based on the music of Noise Machine. Stranges noises keeps our hero up and bizarre lights play tricks on his mind. Features "obrienfk" and "Panister Fatheroy"